Original post here from 9/15/2009
You took a chance and drove 600 miles to meet me
You showed me the ocean for the first time in my life, and watched me become a child in the surf
I felt so fat that day. You didn?t tell me what your parents were saying, only that they were saying things about me in front of me. It wasn?t until later that you told me that your dad said I was fat, short, and the bridge of my nose meant I?d be a bad wife. You ?didn?t want? to tell me, but you did. You clung to me like a leech, but you never would tell me, you never could ?remember? what they were saying in Korean in front of me.?
You introduced me to Mexico. You saw what it means when I get DRUUUUNK as I drank all the tequila in Mexico.
You should have protected me from that creep. I could have been seriously hurt.?
The first time I cried in front of you, really cried, was when I was so drunk, vomiting in the hotel bathroom, and for some reason, desperately missing my dead brother. You recently told me that you consider crying to be weak. You never told me that, but I always felt embarrassed and wrong when I showed emotion around you.
You inadvertently starved us the day you proposed. You planned the whole thing out and were nervous as hell the whole day. I knew it was coming, but it made me cry anyway.
It was ghetto as shit. You took me to your WORK. You ordered FISH and then KISSED me with FISH MOUTH. I ended up paying off the ring because you were too?irresponsible?to make the payments.
I kissed the man I loved at 12:00 on new year?s day
I didn?t quit smoking, and you continued to be silently resentful of me
We lived in an apartment with not much money. Doing nothing but be together entertained us.
Unrealized at the time, you were telling me the faults with all my friends, getting puppy dog sad if I wanted to hang out with them and not you. Eventually I lost touch with all of them
You gave me fancy gifts and threw a fun party with my friends. You even made your first cake
I was only allowed to see approved friends, only gay males if males attended, and only if you were there.
We saw another set of friends get married, and your speech at the wedding was so sweet. You also looked super hot in that tux
You barely spoke to me this day
We avoided your parents like the plague every time we went to California
Yet you defend them when it suits you, and hate them when it doesn?t
You became part of my family before we were even married. It just felt right that you were there at all the family activities
As with my friends, you would discuss on the way home all the things that were wrong with them but would be the perfect brother-in-law at the activities. You would mock how my siblings are raising their children, yet play with those children to get in their favor. You worked to make it so that they all love you far more than me. I could go on for hours about this one
Even though you were working TWO jobs, both with horrible schedules, you would come to my work with a big blanket, and we?d have a picnic on the grass on lunch.
Sometimes you did do sweet things. Mostly it was my idea. Mostly it was because you were a leech to me.
We knew how to be frugal, and we knew who our good friends were. We had a fun photo shoot to find our engagement picture
This particular good friend that took our engagement photos walked in and banged on our hotel room door the night I came to visit Hubs for the first time WHILE we were having sex. HE ANSWERED THE DOOR, and this particular friend took it upon himself to interrogate me about my sexual past, my family, and any personal question he could possibly think of while 4 or 5 other of Hubs? friends just SAT THERE AND LISTENED and Hubs just SAT THERE AND LISTENED never saying how incredibly inappropriate the timing was, or the fact that I was stuck under that blanket because I had no pants on.
This particular friend told Hubs not to speak to me any more recently. This particular friend said I was crazy. ?The worst kind.? This particular friend told my blocked scary rapist husband about the post I put on facebook letting people know that he had escalated to physical violence and rape, not just that but sent a screenshot. That night Hubs came to the house in the terrifying scary anger that he had those nights when I?m huddled in a corner asking please or shaking in the driveway or sleeping in front of my child?s bedroom. This friend laughed off that anger, that not possible anger from his sweet, naive friend. This particular friend has not heard from Hubs that he has admitted to myself and his therapist that it was rape, because Hubs is too much of a coward to admit that he?s not that sweet naive friend. He?s that sweet naive friend to everyone except his wife. His wife he abuses.?
This was the one we mailed out
This was the one we framed
This is the one that I burned, in its frame, along with hundreds of other pictures of him
We put on face masks to be pretty for our wedding
We haven?t done anything fun since that night probably
We both held back tears when the judge had us look out at all our family and friends there to support our marriage
Just look, Shane. Just look. I know you?ll read this. Just look at these pictures and the life you threw away. I refuse to make my blog private, move it, or edit it because it?s something you don?t want to see or read. Just look at what you threw away. Look at the woman you abused and tortured and demolished. Look at our faces. Look at our eyes.?
Our first kiss as man and wife was the best kiss of my life
He didn?t even notice when I didn?t kiss him back when he raped me.
It was an amazing day
Do you remember what you promised?
Look how you looked at me. Look how I looked at you.
This was the me that used to be. The one that laughed with her whole body. This is what you destroyed.
You had your amazing artist friend recreate with paint a photo that we both loved but had gotten cut off. What a great wedding gift
I hate this painting. I hate it. I want to burn it. I hate it. I hate it. I can?t bring myself to because such a talented artist did it but I hate it. I hate how happy we look. I hate that our infant son would stare at it for hours and smile. I hate it.
Our honeymoon was SO GHETTO and CHEAP and SO MUCH FUN. Yay Wendover!
The ONLY thing you were in charge of was the honeymoon. You planned it the night before the wedding, in your hotel room bachelor party playing games and drinking. You planned it for THE WRONG DAY, so we were a day early and had to switch rooms. But I went with it. I said someday he?ll get ADD meds. He forgot. It?s not that he DIDN?T CARE. It?s not that he?s THAT SELFISH
The infamous ?We look like we?re buttfucking? picture
Remember when you sodomized me? I do. You didn?t even know you were doing it because you ?can?t feel well with a condom.? Well, I will never forget that rape. I can feel it. I will feel it forever.?
You explored with me
You stopped doing that as soon as you stopped being the center of my world
We went on a proper honeymoon a year later and learned that you have to be a very heavy drinker to make an all inclusive resort worth the all inclusiveness
You know where I wanted to go? An Alaskan cruise. I have always, always wanted to go on an alaskan cruise. You know what I hate? Humidity. Guess what fucking Cancun has.?
You also showed me what real humidity is with this trip
You also watched the weather channel a lot. I mean a lot. You can?t fucking sit in a hotel room and not turn on a tv? There was never anything on but you ALWAYS had the TV on, even when I ASKED you to turn it off.
You were so fucking dissatisfied ALL THE TIME. I felt like I had to entertain you. I wanted to go out on the kayak and have fun, but you didn?t want me to go to far, you were mad that I could stay in and you fell out, you wouldn?t LET ME go out further and PLAY on my honeymoon. You gave me that ?look? every time I smoked, you got tired of pina coladas and that was somehow my fault. You set up a romantic dinner on the beach with SEAFOOD which I HATE. All the restaurants were geared to you and not to me, you got pissed if I wanted to sit by the pool or by the ocean and read. It was SO MUCH WORK TO KEEP YOU HAPPY on MY HONEYMOON
It was so romantic
You were pissed that all inclusive is not all inclusive and we had to pay extra money for shit. You were pissed that it rained when we went on the ?romantic? cruise. You made fun of the saxophone player, you didn?t want me to sit where I wanted on the boat because you were scared. You didn?t want to pay for the photo of us at dinner. You were SO FUCKING PISSED about the non-all inclusiveness of it it was ALL YOU TALKED about.?
And SO FUN
This was fun. I wanted to be dipped and dived but you were too scared. So?whatever you say goes.
We got pregnant
Because you were bored with our life
You took me on a trip to Seattle for my birthday and Valentine?s Day, and I had the first trimester tired?s. You were very accommodating with my severe fatigue, and we had such a great time seeing the sights
Oh my god I have such a beef with this. I wanted to go to Lagoon, I wanted to go to Seattle, I wanted to go camping I wanted to take all these trips and he didn?t do a single one of them until ALMOST too late. We never went to Lagoon because pregnant women can?t ride any ride. I was SO FUCKING TIRED and he bought these books of tickets of shit to do so I HAD to go or it would be a huge waste of time but I was so fucking tired all I wanted to do was sleep. We went camping when I was over EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT. I asked and asked and asked and he never took me on dates, he never took me on trips, he never took me anywhere until it was incredibly uncomfortable for me, or never at all. And only out of guilt, really, right?
At thirty weeks along you took me on another trip, this time closer to home in St. George
At THIRTY FUCKING WEEKS. Do you have any idea how big my ankles were? And he never let me just lay around in the pool, he had all these THINGS to do. ROADTRIPS to take, because sitting in a car is great for swollen feet.?
Where we went to the creepy museum of animal death
And went on a lot of drives since my feet didn?t last long when walking
We had a baby shower
In which he took almost no pictures of the?attendees, nor any flattering pictures of me
And a baby shower
Where he complained SO MUCH about this family that let us into their home and hosted a party for us. He complained the entire way home and then some.?
And after a lot of work
We had a baby
I look forward to a million more pictures with you. Thank you for making such sweet memories with me.
Happy Two-yearary, Hubs. I love you with all my heart
You threw it all away.
Like this:
Be the first to like this.
pro bowl 2012 roster yamaguchi road house occupy oakland occupy oakland morgellons disease arik armstead
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.